Relayed telepathically from the Beer Guru’s temporary ashram at The Beerodrome, London.

Loyal followers, we have been called a cult.  A Cult ? What a nerve. Cults are piddly little groups of misguided misfits blindly following a heretical, charismatic and egotistical leader who is totally off his trolley (bit like political parties, innit?). The Beer Guru is wildly heretic, massively charismatic, egotistical and delightfully off his trolley, it is true. But his movement is not a petty cult. He is head of a worldwide religion with millions of followers. Moreover, following his path promises eternal life, infinite wisdom and unlimited enlightenment. Not a suicide pact to make the end of the world a self-fulfilling prophesy.

The Way of The Beer Guru lays claim to being the oldest religion in the world. The religious adoration of beer as a sacred fluid, has existed for at least six thousand years. That’s about four thousand years before Christ, who didn’t touch a drop of beer from one end of the gospels to the other. His only encounter with alcohol was the old Tommy Cooper trick of turning water into wine (just like that) at the Cana wedding.

“PLONK IS FOR PLONKERS� The Beer Guru

Beer might even be at the basis of modern civilisation. Seemingly, when we switched from hunter gatherers to farmers, squillions of years ago, all the smart academics thought it was to grow grains that make bread, cakes and other good grub.

New, more devious thinking now suggests that it was actually to make beer.

No surprise really. Beer is bigger than God. At  the last poll on the subject, only 59% of men said they believed in the existence of God, while 99% believed in the existence of beer.

“BEER IS BIGGER THAN GOD.� The Beer Guru.

The worrying element in that is the 1% who don’t believe in the existence of beer.

They must be a right bunch of little cults.